


How to navigate and survive in a dead world, a very helpful guide by TommyInnit.

by BeesAreCool_IThink



Series: The Guides Series, Dream smp. [1]
Category: Dream SMP-Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gremlin TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Light Angst, Maybe - Freeform, No beta we die like lmanburg, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parental Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit Friendship, Tommy is a little shit, a little seriously lmao, also a drought, no i will not explain futher, tagging is painful thank you for coming to my ted talk, there's a sickness apocalypse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-20 10:02:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30003204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeesAreCool_IThink/pseuds/BeesAreCool_IThink
Summary: "Well, we've gotten ourselves in a bit of a pickle, haven't we?"This is not the most ideal situation, he'll admit. It seems for once, Tommy might not be able to bullshit his way out of this one."Come on, kid. Just hand over the supplies!" A man in front of Tommy grunts.Hell no.The guy looks pissed, plus he's got a fuckingbat. Where the fuck did this arsehole get a bat from?Tommy may die today. Maybe.or; Tommy would just like to say he is far more superior than everyone. And very smart. And cool.
Series: The Guides Series, Dream smp. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2206746
Comments: 5
Kudos: 54





	1. Oh No! The Protagonist's Stupid!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Queenkitty2929](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenkitty2929/gifts).



> yeah uh. I'm not even gonna try and explain myself.  
> my brain just said annoying shithead, post-apocalyptic Tommy go brr and we have this monstrosity now so.
> 
> i hope yall enjoy <3  
> (ill update my other fics I swear-)

"Well, we've gotten ourselves in a bit of a pickle, haven't we?"

This is not the most ideal situation, he'll admit. It seems for once, Tommy might not be able to bullshit his way out of this one. 

"Come on, kid. Just hand over the supplies!" A man in front of Tommy grunts. 

_Hell no._

The guy looks pissed, plus he's got a fucking _bat_. Where the fuck did this arsehole get a bat from?

Tommy will be very pissed if he dies here. Mainly because he still hasn't gotten a formal written apology from Greyson regarding his stolen gummy worms. 

Yes, it's been two months since it happened. Yes, Tommy is still bitter. Let him mourn in peace. 

"Look, we're all friends here! How about you chaps give me these supplies then I'll give you uh," Tommy pauses and rifles through his pockets, "Here! You lads can have this marvellous Nando's discount card."

Look, Nando's doesn't even exist anymore. But these guys probably don't know that. Probably.

"We're not playing, kid. Hand over the supplies. Now."

Sheesh, _someone_ woke up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.

"Woah! You don't have to get all pissy and shit man, I'm just a lil thirsty!"

Wow. Can't a man just borrow some water from his local opposing griefer gang? Geez.

Tommy surveys his surroundings, slightly walking back down the road. He's not very confident he can get out of this shit show. 

Tommy glanced down the dirt road behind the man and...

Oh. 

Oh, thank _fuck_. His friends had more brain cells than him. 

Tommy grinned at the sight of a neon yellow ATV rushing down the road from behind the griefers. He'd recognize that putrid colour anywhere.

Tommy turned back to the rude men in front of him.

"Well, boys, it seems our lovely reunion has been cut short. No matter, I have a feeling I will see you all _very_ soon!"

The griefer in front of him quirks an eyebrow. 

Man, these guys are fucking stupid. Trying to beat Tommy's ass all out in the open and shit. 

Escaping is almost too easy. But then again, he is _the great TommyInnit_ so that is to be expected. 

Tubbo's distant voice cuts through the tense silence in the air.

"Tommy! Get on!"

Tubbo's ATV slows down only for a moment as it passes Tommy, the blonde rushing after it. He catches up quite quickly and then Tubbo helps him up on the vehicle. Tommy still doesn't understand how the older can drive the thing with one hand.

He wasn't worried about the griefers. Those morons wouldn't be able to catch up any time soon. Tommy had emptied out their trucks gas supply. 

Tommy beams, hoisting the bag of supplies over his shoulder. As an added insult to injury, he decides to salute the griefers who are too busy yelling obscenities after him.

Those motherfuckers were _irritating._

He turns to the shorter. Oh, he does **not** look happy. 

"Tubbo, mate! Thank god you showed up. Those guys smelled terrible." 

Tubbo glances back at him with an unimpressed look. At least he wasn't trying to defenestrate Tommy for pissing off other griefers. 

"Tommy fucking Innit, you are the most self-obsessed, goddamn annoying motherfucker I've met in my entire life! How dare you go out on your own again I cannot fucking believe you-" 

Nevermind. 

Tommy needs to find some apology snacks for Tubbo. He'd rather not sleep on the couch this week. 

__________________ 

"Tommy." 

"No." 

" _Tommy,_ " Ranboo warns. 

"Nope!" 

Ranboo groans at the blonde. 

"Tommy, you're gonna have to do it eventually!" 

"No, I do not. I have something called free will!" 

"Tommy. You need a haircut." 

Tommy does not. His current hairstyle is terrific, actually. Yes, there's a little dirt in there and _maybe_ some gum stuck in the back. 

But it's _fine._

"Tommy. Please just let me give you a trim. I'm literally begging you." 

Jeez, Ranboo's really insistent, huh. 

"Okay fine, fine! Only cause I can see you feel very strongly about my hair Big Man. But, I have conditions." 

Ranboo rolls his eyes. "Yes, what is it?" 

"You cannot, and I mean this, you cannot let Tubbo convince you to have a go at my hair. Ranboo. I mean this. Don't let that motherfucker near me with scissors." 

Ranboo frowns, "Okay, I won't but, could I ask why...?" 

Tommy shakes his head. He's far too traumatized from the last time Tubbo cut his hair. 

It wasn't pretty. 

Tommy had to steal one of Big Q's beanies to hide his hair. 

Greyson still hasn't let him live down the hideous hairstyle. 

Tommy's pretty sure the older took a photo for blackmail. He shudders. 

"All I will say regarding haircuts is that I have trauma now. And that Tubbo should not be allowed near scissors. Or any kind of sharp tool, for that matter." 

Ranboo nods in understanding. 

Tubbo was already scary but give him a pair of garden scissors and well. 

Let's just say Tommy's not very fond of Tubbo when he has weapons. 

"Ranboo?" 

"Mhm?" His taller friend hums in acknowledgement. 

"I'll fuck your shit up if you ruin my hair." Ranboo chuckles. 

"Okay, Tommy." 

________________ 


	2. How Dare You Question My Competence.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy is going to strangle Tubbo, Tubbo is going to beat Tommy's ass and Ranboo would like it very much if everyone decided to calm down for one goddamn second. (Greyson is simply ignoring their bullshit).

"Oh, wow."

"Not a word. Not a goddamn word, Greyson."

Tommy is mad.

He is extremely pissed. One could go as far as to say he was furious.

There is a drawing of a dick on his forehead. In permanent marker. 

Tommy is infuriated.

He's going to strangle Tubbo.

Ranboo hurries into the living room, "Hey, guys? Have you seen my-oh."

Tommy glares. "Don't open your mouth. Don't say _anything_."

Ranboo purses his lips, and then he bursts out laughing. He's cackling, actually and Tommy vows that Tubbo will rue the day he messed with _the great TommyInnit-_

"Hey, guys! Hi, Tommy!"

Well, speak of the devil and he shall appear. 

The blonde jumps up from the couch, pointing an accusing finger in Tubbo's direction, "Don't 'hi, Tommy' me, cunt! There is a permanent drawing of a dick on my goddamn forehead. How am I supposed to clean this!?" 

Tubbo shrugs. The goddamn cunt _shrugs_. Tommy genuinely cannot believe this treatment.

Ranboo cuts in, attempting to calm Tommy, "Okay, chill out. I have some rubbing alcohol so we can get the," He coughs, trying to cover his laugh."We can get the dick drawing off your face."

Tommy scowls. 

He's gonna get Tubbo back for this. He'll make the asshole regret it. 

"Fine." He agrees and follows Ranboo to the bathroom.

\-------------

"Tommy, what the fuck is _that._ "

" _She_ is my friend and her name is pogchamp!" 

Tubbo deadpans staring at Tommy, "Tommy. That is a fucking goat. Where the fuck did you find a goat, Tommy."

"She was wandering down in the fields near old man John's farm. I didn't want the guy to kill her for food!" Tubbo frowns.

"Why the hell would he eat a goat, Tommy?" Tommy shrugs, patting the goat that's nuzzling against his leg.

"I don't know. The guys weird!" Tubbo rolls his eyes.

"Tommy, you can't keep that goat on our base." 

Tommy frowns. "What! Why the fuck not?" 

Tubbo sighs, "Tommy, you've already adopted a cow, two fucking ducks, a pig you lovingly named 'Charlotte' and a goddamn _horse_. Which, by the way, I still don't know how you forced to listen to you." 

Tommy shrugs again, grinning proudly.

"What can I say? I'm big man Innit, the _animal whisperer_."

Tubbo groans, exasperated, "A menace to society, is what you are." 

That's rather rude of Tubbo to say, Tommy thinks.

"There's no society anymore, actually. If you haven't noticed from how the whole world has _gone to absolute shit_ these past few months." Tubbo rolls his eyes again, clearly done with Tommy's shit for the day.

"I'm going to help Greyson grief a grocery store in the next town over. That goat better not be lounging in the barn when we come back, Tommy." Tubbo warns.

Tommy decides to agree with Tubbo for once. 

He looks down at the goat sorrowfully, "Yeah, yeah. Have fun griefing and shit. I'll find somewhere to put 'pogchamp'." He concedes.

" _Thank you._ We'll be back in a day or two."

Tommy rolls his eyes and waves at Tubbo's retreating figure. He looks down at pogchamp.

"Tubboo is _clearly_ insane if he thinks I'm getting rid of you. You're part of the family now. C'mon, pogchamp. Let's go find boob boy." 

\--------_

"Are you sure Tubbo said he doesn't care? He usually gets pretty annoyed when you bring pets home, Tommy."

Tommy grins, looking up at his taller friend. "Of course, Ranboo! When have I ever been wrong?"

Ranboo grimaces, "I could come up with a list of how many times you've been wrong, Tommy-" Tommy shushes him before he can continue.

"We don't talk about that, Ranboo. All you can do is just trust me." The taller frowns.

"Yeah, I'm not too sure about that either-"

Tommy tunes out the older's nervous rambling. He doesn't care for it.

Tommy has come up with a great plan. The plan is one hundred percent foolproof. There's no way this can go wrong.

\----------

Okay, so the plan sorta maybe might have gone wrong.

But! It's not Tommys fault this time. Yes, yes, hold your applause. He's very proud of himself.

On the contrary. Its actually Tubbos fault.

Ranboo's panicking, "Greyson! Pass me the bucket!"

Tommy will be completely honest. 

He's not entirely sure how the barn fire started in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *does a lil jig*
> 
> whats up nerds, I'm alive
> 
> also! plz lmk in the comments whether or not you lot would like it   
> if I updated my other book in the guides series, this book or my foster home series next!   
> (plz i literally cannot decide-)
> 
> {yall are so poggers, make sure to hydrate, eat, take ur meds, etc! <3}


End file.
